10 New Year’s Resolutions for Evil People
Most people have difficulty keeping their New Year’s resolutions because they try to be better people than they are. Instead of pretending you are going to be better, thrive at your own evil self-actualization. Choose from one of these options, or make up your own!
1. Commit to repurposing all holiday family gossip into humiliating scenes, blackmail and extortion. Be sure to journal now to keep the details fresh for use in the future.
2. Whisper “You’ll never be good enough.”, into the ears of toddlers. If you work in elder care, the variant “Is the light growing dim?”, serves as a good standby.
3. Compost. This sounds innocuous, but not if composting as a large heap filled with meat and bones. All are welcome in the heap – kitchen scraps, sanitary products, departed pets – there is no wrong answer if it decomposes.
4. Pour a bottle of corn syrup into the mailbox of an unsuspecting fellow citizen. Maple syrup, molasses or soy sauce are decent alternatives depending on your social class.
5. Leave one song playing loudly on repeat each time you leave your home. The song is not important, but it must never change. This works well for apartment dwellers who do not need to rely on open windows.
6. Wrap up playgrounds with crime scene tape. If caught in the act, reply with “I am encouraging children to use their imaginations.”
7. End every customer service experience with the phrase “You call that service?”, grunted arrogantly under your breath. If you frequent the same establishment often, rotate with “My money, your dignity.” and “Idiots, just idiots.”
8. Consistently disparage your own race. Your voice is much stronger when speaking of your own race, and it is likely that you have a treasure trove of examples in your own family.
9. Use your smartphone to play an ongoing high frequency sound while you walk through malls. (Hint: high frequencies can not be heard by adults. Sleeping babies = yes)
10. Become the world’s beauty contestant judge. Provide each person you meet with a 1 to 10 rating based exclusively on your personal preferences. The blunt critiques you pair with your score will raise the bar for beauty in your midst.
For further evil credit, complete as many tasks from this list as you can. Award yourself 5 points each time you complete a task. Rise through the following ranks as you accumulate points:
0 – 15 points: I’m going to start being evil tomorrow.
15 – 50 points: My dark side is a little grey.
50 – 75 points: Angry old cat lady.
75 – 100 points: Slipping to the other side.
100 – 500 points: Evil-doer.
500 – 1000 points: Dark force of nature.
1000+ points: Trump Triumph